Question from a member: how do you handle the loss of friendships that the illness causes?

*Just try and make yourself realise that they were not real friends in the first place, real friends would help and try and understand.

*If they had been real true friends they wouldn't have disappeared. My true friends admit they may not understand but will always listen.

*Well for a long time I didn't :( But I was still not in "acceptance phase' of my illness. Now I'm happy to say that I HAVE accepted it. Find it makes accepting the consequences on my life easier to accept too. Meaning, some friends aren't LOST, they've just been pushed away by ME. Some ARE lost. These I wonder if they ever WERE friends worth keeping. I've also made many NEW friends THANKS to my fibro, so all in all. I think I've gained rather than lost, hope this helps.

*I'd love to know how you do this I got diagnosed with ME 3 years ago now and can safely say I've lost most of my friends my husband and my last partner down to it and the pain.x I can't cope with the pain any more? What pain control have people tried to?

*Friends come and go, true friends stick through thick or thin. Sometimes all you can take from a friendship is the lessons that we learn while going through them.

*Although its true to say I have pushed a lot of friends away.

*Agreed! If they decide you are now "boring" or whatever because you cant get out and socialise any more they are a pretty shallow person. I then just strengthen my real friendships, there are still many ways you can be loving and supportive towards your friends (because it works both ways, what goes around comes around!) without even leaving the house. Plus you can make LOVELY new friends on here too!

*I agree with, that just happened to me this past week. Because I no longer work, she expected me to just drop everything to do things with her, does not understand I can not plan everything out, but also since I do not have kids, have no type of life either. It was a hard decision to make but it needed to be done.

*There is nothing like a serious disability to show you what friends and family are there for you in your time of need. I have tried to see the positive of having fibro and this is definitely one of them - I could have wasted years giving my time to these people when they were in need, not knowing that they didn't have it in them to do the same.

*Don't worry about the people from your past, there is a reason they did not make it to your future.

*Agreed! When a serious and/or chronic illness happens to you a child or spouse, your true friends and family are there to support you in anyway needed. Those who you thought were friends, but aren't there when you need them most, will blow away with the wind. I have also found, I made new wonderful friends, because of an illness. It all works out, you got to forgive those from the past so the anger and hurt doesn't eat away at your heart, making it more difficult to be open to new friends.

*Why should this illness lose you friends? they are only a friend if they stay with you through good and bad times. If they don't they're not"friends" just people you know or thought you knew!

*Friendship is complex! And will come and go throughout your life, some last along time some only short all just as valuable, remember this as one door closes another opens, just because they have gone doesn't mean they were not true to you it means you no longer need them!

*It's always difficult but as it's been said already on Facebook, if they can't cope with you at your worst they don't deserve you at your best the ones that stick around these you should cherish.

*I ended a 15-year friendship over my health. I functioned fairly well with fibro until my thyroid blew and was improperly treated for two years. I was unable to do much of anything. This "friend" quickly fell by the wayside.
My children had always said that my friendship with this person was one-sided, and they were right. Someone asked if I missed her and I can honestly say I don't. She wasn't a real friend to begin with. I wonder if I'd had cancer if she would have been more sympathetic--doubtful.

*The good ones stay whatever and the bad ones float away.

*The last thing anyone with fibro needs in their life is the added stress of people who do not understand or try to understand the illness. That brings a lot added stress, making the fibro worse.
I have lost friends and loved ones (one of them being my daughter. She doesn't believe I am sick), but at the end of the day I have a small group of very supportive people in my life and I am thankful for them.

*I am grateful I have not lost any friends yet. True friends should understand you in whatever situation your are in. But (fibro) I would say is one of the most difficult illness for others to understand.
As you look well, but are feeling so unwell. soft hugs and HAPPY EASTER to all.

*This is true I lost two of my friends from school when I got Firbro just over 12 years ago and they still don't talk to me. It is difficult because I also found that at the beginning some of my family change too. I don't have the closeness with them any more people just don't understand what we have to put up with Fibro.
One thing I am thankful for is, I have a great husband and he is also my best friend he has looked after me for over 10 years even gave up work.
The friends that stay with you are your best friends I have one I have met her 14 years ago, we don't see each other as much as we used to, but I know that she is at the other end of the phone and would drop anything to help me.

*It has hurt me and left it's mark. perhaps I tend to be a bit more guarded or defensive. I know it has affected me that I am afraid to find a relationship right now. I feel damaged , Not rational but it is how I feel right now.

*I have been very blessed.I haven't lost an old or new friend from it. They accept my limitations. Those are what I call heart friends. A heart friend loves for what you are, not what you can or can't do. Again I am blessed.


*I only really have what I would call one true friend and that's its why she sticks by me I have no idea bless her. I understand what your saying about being guarded I'm a bit like that as in the why bother getting close? you will only get hurt again.
I lost my last partner down to the illness and I can't blame him for going I'd do anything to have him back as I can't see a future with anyone else I haven't got the energy or inclination to explain my condition. And part of me thinks who is going to want a friend or partner like me.

*Well I believe friends should be friends through the good and the bad. If a friend only wants the good times then you're better off without that friend.

*The relationship with most of my family is gone as with some who I thought were friends. I was obviously mistaken. yes it hurts to realise that certain people, who you think care, don't. it's also not easy to move on from there as we have little else to fill our days with as a rule. our emotions get magnified, hurt cuts deeper as we have little distraction.
It takes longer to get over things. but we do in time gain comfort from those who truly care and love us. these are the people we should concentrate on and not the others who only cause pain and upset.

*I just treasure my immediate family, and get on with life, there are so many things you have to do/go without, friends are just one more thing.

*Since I was diagnosed 12 years ago with Fibro, I have had no friends, not until I joined an arthritis and Fibromyalgia support groups. All the friends I have made have been through these groups or from hospital appointments, its true other people don't understand how one minute you can look OK and then you cant get out of bed.
The next, I am weary about making friends because of FM, its takes too much time to explain about the Fibro, and then you think you have made a friend , but down the line a bit, they cant cope with the situation ,and this stresses me out completely and makes the Fibro worse.

*I don't much care, if they don't want to take the time to learn how it affects my life, and how I can't do the things I want to do with them then they aren't the kind of friend I want anyway. I like spending time alone with my dog. She never judges me and I can cry on her shoulder all day long and she won't care one bit.

*It's hard when people you have known for years, who you thought would do for you what you would do for them fall far short when tough times come. But, better to be rid of negative influences. True friends shine. People you meet through illness shine. This makes saying goodbye to old 'friends' easy.

*I can honestly say that there has only been two people stick by me through it all since 1997. My husband and one old colleague.
I do have lots of friends but I only now share my health issues with a couple of friends with similar issues. I find by doing this my relationships survive longer.
Facebook is great because I can still banter on my worst days with people and they don't know any different.
I find this condition is harder for people to get to grips with because of the waxing and waning nature of it. I do most of my off loading to my care manager. I was mis-diagnosed for 12 years with mental health issues but at least I have access to them still at the moment. Hang in there, you have friends here and feel free to hit my friend button whomever you may be.

*I too have lost all of my so called friends due to Fibro. I've also lost my significant other because of it. I have to admit that I had been pushing him away. At the age of 35, he didn't deserve to have to deal with me and my illnesses. He deserved someone healthier and younger that could do things with him.

*All my friends are on line. I have NO personal fiends nor do I desire them.I never have to worry about getting ready for company except the maintenance men. I love it this way. If I had a choice I would NEVER leave my home,

*I feel I've lost more family than friends but there was already issues there and it was easy for them to blame me and my 'illness'! I have actually gained friends, ones on line and in real life.
People who I only knew to talk to in passing have heard about my illness and it's helped them admit to similar health problems, so we now share and talk through our feelings with each other.
I must admit though that I am choosy who I pick as a friend now. I only choose those I know I won't need to do too much explaining to, good listeners, because my energy is precious so I don't waste it arguing with no hopers!
Stress is a killer to us so I've learnt to let the stupid go and only worry about what's important, life is too short to waste. The friends and family I have around me now are worth more than money can buy and I'm thankful for that every day!

*Many of my old friends are gone. But,I try to make new ones who understand as best they can and who are compassionate. You'd be surprised where you might meet them. I have made a few on FaceBook and at Weight Watchers. I am very blessed with family and friends. I wish you all the same.

*We have two friends of 13 years' standing who refuse to believe my partner is ill. They litter our conversations with terms such as 'learned dependence' and 'psychosomatic illness' and they change the subject whenever her condition is mentioned. Other than this, they are good friends, socially, by sharing, by swapping dog-care and watering duties and whatever else we need. They just don't believe in fibro.

Since we're relatively isolated here (we moved just as Jamie got diagnosed) we're reluctant to give up one of the few friendships we have in this area, so we live with this elephant in the room thing.

What is scary is that both of them already have a number fibro symptoms; they both work too hard and burn the candle at both ends. It's becoming plain that one or the other - or both - are slowly sliding toward a point where they will have to accept that this condition exists, as they will be dealing with it.

*It's a very sad and difficult thing to endeavour when a close friend decides to 'desert' you when you become unwell with Fibromyalgia. It causes a lot of grief to an already hard situation.
Maybe it will take for something traumatic to happen in their lives and for a friend to desert them, for them to learn something very valuable from all of this.

*I know the right answer here is "if you lost them over being sick, they weren't real friends to begin with", but that doesn't make it any easier. Everyone I was close to, with two exceptions from grade school, eventually gave up.
They get tired of you cancelling plans at the last minute, not returning phone calls, and not having much to talk about since you're stuck in bed most of the time. One of my "closest friends", who I used to do everything with, actually told my boyfriend of 10 years who lived with me that I wasn't any fun cause I couldn't do things like go out & get drunk.
Then she hooked him up with another "friend" of ours and my whole future changed just like that - so much for our plans for getting married. It was 3 years ago, and thinking about it still makes me cry - being hurt in the worst way by the people you trust most in the world to protect you REALLY screws you up!
Unfortunately, most people just don't understand what we're going through. Your best bet is to make some friends through support groups or other means who are dealing with the same issues and/or also has Fibro or CFS. And anyone dealing with chronic illness, ESPECIALLY something as life-affecting as this, should see a therapist regularly to talk things out.

*If friends do not stick with you through any illness, they're not friends worth having.

*If your friends can't deal, they weren't your friends. it is hard to be your same old self when you are in pain and don't feel like doing the same old things you always did with your friends. true friends will understand and will care about what you are going through.
Something that has saved my sanity is FaceBook and all of the people I have met from all over the country with Fibromyalgia. They are my life line they are people I can vent and complain to who understand that sometimes, that is all you need to do is cry on the shoulder of someone who understands.

*I try to keep all complaints to myself, my family has actually been harder on me then any friends!!

*Yeah. Just what the person above said. Same here.

*I try to keep most of my physical problems & complaints to myself except at home & with some friends who have Fibro & chronic pain. If I were to say much on FaceBook those that have minor ailments start in and I get to hear all of their problems.
I have been told that I am making my partners life miserable.
Sometimes I just can't find the strength to go anywhere,I am in constant pain. Often we can't plan ahead to go places because I am physically unable.
I try not to give in to the pain but then there is the lack of sleep,migraines and the fog.I stay exhausted but I try to get up at the same time each day & do some work around the house and a few other things.
I don't stay in bed because I have severe back problems.I must get up and move around.I do have a recliner that I stay in if I am in bad shape.I don't get depressed.I try to remain spiritual, read, play music, listen to music or watch tv.
I have 2 high spirited Westies that keep me company & keep me stepping. I also have seizures from head injuries so rest is important.
I have had Fibro since 1990 so it isn't new to me.At least now it is recognized as a disease.I must take strong narcotics,muscle relaxents and vallium when the spasms are huge knots.
I hope to meet friends on here that I can talk about this disease with. I have learned to try not to complain about what is hurting. I get no sympathy. I am beginning to feel trapped recently because it seems that I am able to do less when more is expected of me. Does that make sense to anyone? Must try to rest tonight so I will be on here tomorrow.

*Yes oh boy have I lost friends and I had know them at school since aged 4 and now I am 52 so really hurts, would call, leave messages but just gave up in the end. Knowing them so long I did think we were friends for life but I was proven wrong.
Did have to cancel plans last minute. My 4 kids aged 31,29,23 and 10 have been fab, supportive and bless him my darling hubby has the patience of a saint but over the last 14 years it has put incredible strain on our relationship daily but I love him so much and that he is still here for me.!
I attend a mental health group due to my depression and they are brilliant so supportive and a few of them also have Fibro. My mother did take some convincing as the symptoms changed hourly she did find it difficult to understand but her dog walker is an ex-intensive care Sister and she managed to explain it to her better than me so now she understands much more about it.
I value all my lovely friends on FaceBook and those I have met via the Royal Navy site now on FB due to the stress of having one of my sons in Afghanistan they have all helped me, supported me as I have them and I could not have coped without all my darling FB friends.
I am always happy to make any new friends on here, do get them muddled up i,e kids names, what that person has been doing etc FIBROFOG big time! A local group in our nearest city supports FIBRO so going to go to that soon when I can cope with it.
To me when I make a friend it is for life and you are stuck with me through thick and thin, good/bad times that is what a true friend is and I would like to think my true friends know I am there for them always.

*The ones that care will always be there the ones that wont they can go jump.

*True friendships last.

*I've been very lucky, I haven't lost any friends because of my FM. Even though I can't work & can't get out often, all my friends still make the effort .
I must confess that I myself have actually let a friend go because of her own attitude to her FM. Awful to admit, I know, but I am a positive person & I can't cope with constant negativity. FM is tough enough to deal with without focussing constantly on every symptom & how bad it makes you feel.
A couple of friends have told me I've helped them see things differently, & see how their attitude towards the condition affects how they physically feel, but some people don't want to be helped & they can just drag you down with them.
My attitude is we have to live with it regardless so we might as well live with it as positively as possible. When I have a bad day, I stay away from everyone so it doesn't impact on my friends - though I know they are always there if I do need a helping hand.

*I have found out who where my real friends since taken ill, out of them all I only have 2 friends who didn't turn there backs on me, and I can tell you this really hurt me, as I thought I had some really good friends, but now I have a whole new pile of friends and I'm lucky as I now know what a real friendship is like. You must be positive I know its hard some days, but I know the friends I have now will be with me the rest of my life.

*let them go, they're not worth fighting for if you're losing them because of the illness. True friends wouldn't leave you.

*I agree, goes to family as well, if they don't stick by you in the bad times then they don't deserve your friendship. I hate it when 'friends' try to compare they lives with mine, when they don't really listen to you. Only other FM survivors really know what our daily struggle is like.

*I'm still at the pretending to be mostly OK stage because I feel some friends will vanish like snow in summer if I'm honest about how FM affects me. Cowardly, I know. And I won't be able to keep it up either as (to put it mildly) I'm not keen on the really crap days I get after doing too much! Watch this space. I would add that since diagnosis I have met some really lovely people, not least on here.

*True friends stay with you as I found out when just one stays in touch as for the rest I say its their loss. I don't dwell on it its now that's counts